How do I feel?

On top of all the other problems, I can't find peace even in my own house, or I guess not mine, but my parents' one.
Every single day I keep waking up and being told by my mom how irresponsible, indecisive and not independent I am.
That I don't have a job, that I'm not studying, that I'm afraid to make a choice.

But how can I not be afraid to make one?
When all my previous choices were "mistakes",
when these choices lead me nowhere, and just wasted years of my life,
when I get scolded for my choice if it's not something that my parents want,
when I can't just delay the time of making a choice, because it makes me "indecisive",
when the amount of choices is so limited, that it's like a choice without a choice,
when I don't like any of the available choices, and just have to pick the "least worst",
...

I can't just do what I like, even if it brings me income, just because it's not a "real" job.
And yes, I understand, in the times like these I could get kidnapped to the war just because I don't have a job with reservation.
But still, I don't think that constantly pestering me with this problem and scoldering me for not fixing it by now will actually help me to fix it.

"Keep sitting here like a parasite, keep pressing on your buttons and doing nothing in your life"

I feel like a complete failure and disappointment.

I failed college during the last few months of my 4th year (the last one) of studying, I've wasted so much time and effort and sanity for nothing, my parents are disappointed, and it feels like everyone around me irl sees me as a failure, and I can understand them, because I see myself that way too.

I feel like a failure in anything that I'm trying to do, in all my hobbies, in all the necessary things that I have to do, and in life in general.
I'm just a disappointment.

But despite all that I'm still trying to make others happier, by making some drawings for them, gifting gifts, or just saying some comforting or encouraging words, and trying to be there for them when they need me.
I don't wait for anything in return, I don't need to get repaid for this, because my payment is someone's happiness, if I can make someone at least a little happier, then it's already not meaningless, and was worth every second of me doing it.
And at least this little thing makes me feel a little better about myself. (even though I still have a bad opinion about myself)

Well, anyway, soon I'll have to look for a job with "reservation", so I won't get dragged to the war. And of course, the amount of jobs with that reservation is extremely low, since not all jobs can do provide the reservation, but every man wants to have it, because nobody wants to go to the war, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to find the job with reservation TwT.
If I don't find it, I'll just keep being a burden for my family, until the safe time ends and the time for forced conscription comes.
And if that happens, I'm not sure if I'd be able to post anything ever again, or keep making others happier, I'd just be gone, without even a goodbye.